Kneo24's Blog

August 29th
Once again the publishers and creators of our beloved video games are pissing and moaning about the used games market. They've believe by cheating customers in the second hand market, they're going the right way. Uh, no. Other markets do this and it hurts them all the time.

I have a solution to the whole problem. The details and implementation may not be easy, but it's a solution that mutually benefits both sides. Work with gamestop in the used games market instead of against them. For example, for every new game purchased from gamestop, the customer gets some free swag. In return, the publisher can say, "hey, we want you to sell your used games for this price, and we want this percentage of the slice of your revenue." It's just an idea, but this will benefit gamestop and the publisher. This brings more customers to Gamestop for starters because the hardcore fans will want the freebies. This is beneficial for the customer because they get extra goodies. This is beneficial for the publisher because now they can take a slice of a pie they weren't getting. This also means that the publishers no longer have to implement stupid things in their game to kill the second hand market.

It really is a simple solution. Instead of pissing and moaning about it, why not try to work with it? Or more simply, adapt or fucking die. The current adaptation will piss off all of your customers in the long run.

August 15th
So apparently I'm an obligation.

Shortly after Nicole broke up with me I was able to talk to her again. I didn't need a whole lot of time, therefore I didn't take it. For once in my life I was able to let something go. To not dwell on the mistakes and failures I made. I was able to see a positive benefit out of it, despite the lemon thrown in my face. I was able to let it go. That right there is something that is uncharacteristic of me. What I had here was closure.

But things were different after we had broken up. I know she was being distant, perhaps she didn't want to give me the wrong idea. What else was I to assume? This woman shed tears over the idea that I was no longer going to talk to her. Maybe the distance was for her benefit too. Whatever it was, I had no idea it would lead to this...

I noticed a trend with her. Ever since I've met her I've had to fight for time just to hang out with her. When we were together I was doing it then too, but I didn't have to fight as hard, but I was always in competition for it. Lately we've been making plans to see movies together, and then she decide she had time until after they were out of theaters. From that point it was obvious what was going on. For whatever reason I was the back-up friend.

It became more evident when she started dating someone. She sees him three times in one week. I can barely manage once a month with her, someone who is supposed to be my friend. I'm not saying we have to hang out all the time, but it shouldn't be a huge effort to get 2 hours of her time either. I threw my hands up in the air and said, "fuck this", out of frustration. It makes me kind of angry. For three whole days I don't talk to her and she freaks out about it. Excuse me for not communicating with you or any one else while I cool down and decide what to do.

But she had to press the issue. I was surprisingly calm and I pulled punches. My toxicity level is high and I normally have no problem being a venomous jerk in the process, but one thing I've been working on lately is tact, something which she rightly pointed out that I needed to do.

I took myself out of jerk and told her how I was feeling in regards to our friendship. Apparently venting about my job and living situation once a week, makes me Mr. Negativity according to her. I vent and then I'm fine. It's not like she doesn't do it too. Maybe not once a week, but often enough. That's one of her reasons for not wanting to spend time with me. Fine, because sometimes I need to vent, I'm an unbearable person.

I question whether she does this to other people, make them fight for her time, knowing full well she does. In an attempt to make me feel bad about myself, she says I am the only person she does this too. I know it's a lie, but it still hurt. Besides, she has a friend that is constantly suicidal and acts like a shut-in when he isn't on his meds, which can last for months at a time. I am no where near that level of "negativity". So to deal with that for years and overall be ok with it, but for whatever reason when I do it it's the wrong thing, is odd.

So I ask why keep talking to me. What's in it for her. Her words, "Habit? Obligation? I dunno. But after dating you, things were never the same." You have to be kidding me. She was the one that pleaded with me to stay in her life. Pleaded. Begged. There's more going than she'll ever let me know. Always is. All things considered, I've probably lost someone I once considered a good friend. In the end maybe it's best. All I know is, I do not want to constantly compete for any of my friends time. That's not how it should ever be.

May 16th
I need to finish this saga. I am a complete and utter emotional and drunken wreck right now.

I realized part of the reason I was having difficulty in bed was the fact that I felt inadequate. I had so much baggage to drop. So I dropped it. The people I've been with since Kellie up until Nicole really didn't do it for me. It is so hard to feel good about yourself, to not second guess yourself or judge yourself when a person you were with for a long time cheats on you. What was I doing wrong that she felt the need to go else where? Was I even doing anything wrong? Those questions became irrelevant. The next time Nicole and I got together we had a multiple repeat performance with a key difference. I was able to climax. It took me forever, but I was able to. The following sexual encounter, yes (which also took forever), the one after that, no. Like I said, I need the visual stimuli.

During that time with her I discover that I have a very deep love for her. She completed me. I didn't express this to her at the time because I was afraid of scaring her off. The one thing I didn't want to do was completely decimate a good thing. In the end it didn't matter. Just days after our last sexual encounter she's shattering my heart into tiny and inumerous pieces that match the number of stars in the sky.

I knew it was coming though. She was being distant and some of the things she was saying had set off red flags. I was pushing it out of my mind, telling myself I should just trust her. She has her own issues she needs to deal with and it may have nothing to do with me. That was always a very real possibility. It took a lot to convince myself of that, but I did it. I need to learn to trust my instincts more in these situations. It has yet to steer me wrong.

She said she couldn't be with me because of the fear, the anxiety, that I brought. I was serious relationship material and she wasn't ready for that. There was probably other stuff, but I honestly can't remember it right now. Her anxiety keeps festering itself in my mind like the proverbial thorn that it is. I said I would continue to be friends with her. I needed her in my life and this way I could accomplish that. Just because you have a fear of committtment doesn't mean you aren't romantically interested in a person. I still had a chance, right?

Maybe, but no, but maybe.

A couple weeks after that we hang out at her place. Nothing happens. I could have slept with her, but by the time I even thought about it I was way too drunk and tired to seriously try it. Shortly after that she was talking to me about her recent past relationships and how she thought they had potential, like the one with the dumb motherfucker who was just playing her for 6 months. At no point in time did she mention the relationship we had, what it meant to her and what potential there was. Not necessarily bad since the wound be fresh, but then I think back on when we were together and I was always the one expressing my adoration over the situation when we were together and she was just aloof about it.

It completely reminded me of the Melissa situation and I knew I couldn't go through that again. I would get to a point where I resented her like I do with Melissa... I just flat out told her that I couldn't talk to her anymore because of the current circumstances. Hopefully it wasn't a permanent thing.

She throws herself at me like I'm some merciful god, begging and pleading me to not do this. She proclaims that she needs me for her day to day support. She relies on me, a man, something which she said she would never do. She then tells me she'll stop talking about her men issues with me and requests that I would need to not talk about my women issues because it "cuts" her a little.

I should have viewed these as seperate items. When you try to piece them together it tells me that she has some strong feelings for me. She was shaking violently and crying, or so she says, through this. That's the third and final piece for me. It led me to believe that I was dealing with a woman who could have possibly been in love with me. Probably not the most rational thought I've had where it concerns here. I did consider that she may not be in love with me, but thought it was just something a little lesser, like strong feelings. The back of my mind was shaking it's head no. I trained myself to ignore that fucker. I thought he was holding me back from experiencing life. Instead what he's done is hold me back from making decisions that will hurt myself. Self perservation is in our nature! What a fool I've been!

I digress. I tell Nicole I can't just be her friend. I tell her I'd be ok if we just kept it casual. I go on to explain that I enjoy the casual kisses, the cuddling, the hand holding. I am a relationship guy. I enjoy the relationship side of things. Sex is very important, but it's secondary. She agree's to this as long as there isn't any sex. She tells me she needs to work on herself. She feels it's fucked up that she has this great guy in front of her and she's afraid of a relationship with him because of her committment issues. I tell her to take all the time in the world if that's what she needs. I didn't tell her this, but I viewed her as the key to my happiness. I saw a future with her where things were just right. I was happy. I was in love. I had my the yin to my yang. In the end that's all I want. That's all what most of us want.

So the deal is sealed. Another month we go which brings us up to date. She's been distant again. She tells me she's feeling depressed. I heard this before. The last time I heard this was when she wasn't happy with the relationship and breaks up with me. The same just happened again. She tells me there were only traces of romance and that she couldn't keep trying to force it. I keep shaking my head and saying "what the fuck" into between swigs on the bottles and the use of a tissue.

I'm done. I just told her I need time away from her. I'm still going to be there for her, but only when she really needs me. You don't abandon the ones you love. I seriously need time to heal. I just got repaired. It took me 4 years, but I just finally did it, and now I'm completely broken again. I was played. I don't hate her for it. She had to do what she had to do from going bat shit insane. I'm not going to spread her issues or her life, but she is seriously messed up. I kept encouraging her to go see help. Some might believe psychiatrists to be quacks, but they do legitimately help people.

Story of my life. Alone. Always alone...

A personal note to you Nicole. I know I gave you the URL my website once before and maybe you visit, maybe you don't. I really mean it when I say I love you. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I wanted to do whatever you wanted. I would have travelled to hell and back with you. I would have given myself to you without question or thought. I would have submitted to you. I was prepared to uproot my life for you. Anything you wanted or needed I would have done. You were specifically what I wanted and needed. Your personal issues were not a deal breaker where it would've been for just about anyone else. You are perfect for me.

And yes, I'm proud that the elf deck I made for you worked so well that you raped 5 people with it. It still can't beat mine, but it sure as hell is a great device.

I honestly have no idea if I will ever speak to you again. I really want to, but it just may not be a good idea for me to ever do so. I wish you the best of luck. I hope you find what makes you happy. You probably need it more than I do. Trying to explain how magical the time I spent with you would only cheapen the experience. Please, for your own good, be happy. Find something, or someone that does it for you. I can't bring myself to wish you any ill will. Just please find your happiness. That's all I ask. You've been through more than most people have been through and you deserve it. I wish I was it, but clearly it's not meant to be. Do not hesitate to contact me if you need me. Good luck.

May 2nd
Here's part two. It's the second part of the first. The first which was previously. You know, right before this one.

Literally the next night after our arrangement I go over to Nicole's house. She made it very clear that I had to make the first move otherwise it won't happen at all. I told her before this that she had to be the one to do it based on the fact she friend zoned me previously. I was extremely apprehensive about this. I've tried doing this before with other women only to have it blow up in my face. I wanted to change the rules in my favor before the opposite party had a chance to set them in stone.

So I find her place and go over. I don't even remember what time I got there, but I remember not making a move until a few hours in. I just needed to get somewhat comfortable with the whole situation. I like taking things just a little slow. I need that extra time to really weigh out the pros and cons. As soon as my lips lock with hers she's dragging me into her room. I had zero intention of sleeping with her on this night. Very very soon, but not right then. She just recently admitted she had no intention of sleeping with me that night too, but, well, shit happens.

We start making out. I'm not even thinking about it, just letting my instinct kick in. About half an hour into it clothes are coming off and hands are roaming everywhere. She is literally a sex bomb. I very quickly learned how to make her explode with sex. Teasing her does things to her that almost leaves her out of control. I imagine this just doesn't work with just any person, or at least I hope it just doesn't work with just any person.

Anyway, clothes are coming off, hands everywhere. I had just gotten her pants off I'm massing her hot little box through her thong. She tells me to not be shy. I tell her I like to take it a little slow. Taking it slow is nice for the anticipation build up. It's a fine art. She replies with that she doesn't. I'm not looking to disappoint her here so I go underneath. This is a new body I'm exploring, but she doesn't want it to be slow, so I need to open up every single one of my senses as I quickly survey the playing field. I quickly learn what works for her and go to town.

I have never been with a woman who got so incredibly wet before. I wanted to turn on the lights real quick to see if it was some parlor trick, like maybe she was hiding a bottle of lube and just somehow getting it around there without me noticing. That's how lubricated she was. After I get her to climax I gently work her down and we make out for a minute or two where she then pushes me onto my back and tells me she's grabbing a condom.

I try to play it cool and calmly reply with, "ok". Genius, isn't it? This woman is about to give me the ride of my life and the best I can muster is, "ok". There was a lot going through my mind here. I hadn't had sex in a while and the women I've been with were a bit dull. The first thing running through my head was, "I hope I'm good enough!" Just because I have an above average sized cock didn't mean I knew how to use it. The second thing that was running through my mind was the one scene in 40 Year Old Virgin where Steve Carell's character is trying to figure out how to put a condom on. That to me seemed like it would have been way worse than being bad. Luckily I was able to roll that shit on in the dark! Score one for me!

And she starts riding me. Within minutes she's getting off again. Doggy is her favorite so she rolls off of me and assumes the position. She wasn't taking any breaks here. Due to the height difference and the lack of lighting, I couldn't quite get the logistics of this down. I am over a foot taller than she is. I also believe she wasn't arching her back right, but I can't be sure. One thing I did notice was that she was still incredibly wet.

So we go to missionary. It's tried and true. I start biting her a little on the neck while I'm giving it to her. Oh look, yet another ograsm for her. We get some lube and keep going. At this rate I should be ready to burst like a damn, but I'm not. I could go for a few more hours yet if I had to. A few minutes later and there's another orgasm. I keep trying and I realize it isn't going to happen for me like this. I was sort of getting close, but wasn't ready. I roll off the rain coat and suggest she tries giving me a "bee-jay-er". The head I've recieved in the past has been awful. I've always been willing to try, but always has turned out poorly. Rakers. All rakers.

I was pleasantly surprised here. No raking. I had a hard time keeping her hair out of the way though. I would start to get close, still not ready, but close and she would yank her mouth off and start jerking me. Sorry but that's not going to cut it. I tell her she needs to trust me. I'm not going to ruin this here. If she doesn't want cum in her mouth, I'll tell her before it comes out. Instead, she refuses to trust me. After a few more times of that I tell her to stop. There's some serious disappointment on her part. She wanted to get me off. She feeds off of that.

It was good sex. Best I've had. It just wasn't what I was used to. I'm used to lights on, no condom, and vulgarities being spewed. I'm used to subjugating my women strictly because that's how they wanted it. It was nothing like this. Complete opposite. It was different. It was quite good, but still different. This gave her a complex for a week. She tells me she used all of her tricks on me and and that usually has guys shooting off in no time, but against me she felt powerless. I kept trying to reassure her that it wasn't strictly her. I explained to her what I was used to. I wanted to find a solution where we would meet in the middle. Something has to give. I can go without conquering my women. Wearing a condom is a smart idea. The vulgarities help, but what I need the most is light. I need to be able to see my dick splitting open a pussy. It is such a turn on for me. My sexual escapades are very visual for me. I need it if you want this to be easy.

And I just realized I wrote a god damn novel about one night. I'm going to stop right here and do a part three. You know, it comes after two, not before it.

April 26th
It's weird how things in life progress at unexpected times. Things shouldn't necessarily be unexpected, I guess, but how well do we all really pay attention? This is why they're unexpected.

At work I've been putting in about an hour to an hour and a half of over-time every day. I've gotten used to it. I stopped giving it a whole lot of thought. It feels normal and I'm ok with that. A week before this March had started, the President of the company comes up to me and tells me a little something. I'm getting a raise because of the extra work I've put in. It actually came as a surprise. I have gotten so used to the carrots being dangled in front of my face but also just out of reach.

The raise is only $1500 a year. This is fairly mediocre stuff. 72 cents an hour. I was hoping for something closer to 3k or 4k a year. It's substantial and it really says we like what you do. $1500 a year says, "We like what you do... But we're too cheap to pay you for it! Have another carrot!" I'm not really big on carrots. They're just "meh" to me. Hold some greater reward in my face. Nickels and dimes are nice, to some degree, but they don't necessarily make me giddy. Do something to keep me motivated, please. Quite frankly, I like the work I do, but it's often hard to stay gung-ho about it.

But I guess I shouldn't complain too much. $1500 a year with the way the economy is and will continue to be till most likely the end of the year is better than nothing. I could have gone a third year without a raise, you know? I'll continue to chump it up. Once this situation no longer works for me, the chump stops here.

By the way, I did get a few complaining e-mails about how I wasn't building up stock and I told them that if they wanted it done faster, they should contribute to the effort. That didn't go over very well, but it's what you get when you push someone who is already over worked. The president of the company yelled at me a few times about this too and I told him his expectations were currently unrealistic with the resources that are available to me at the moment. That too didn't go over well, but I am not a person to piss off when you have me in a state like that. Seriously, pulling me aside, actually stopping me from working just so you can have a few terse words with me about the situation and try to tell me it's my fault when it's clearly not doesn't help you or me get my work done any faster. In fact, I would say it momentarily prevents me for no fucking good reason. Just saying.

My eHarmony forray has worked out for me... Sort of. It actually came rather unexpectedly. The last time I had mentioned it, there was a woman by the name of Nicole. Now Nicole and I always had this connection. I had liked her a whole lot more than I initially let on. People scare easily and if you come across as too strong, they either use you, or you scare them off. She had another prospect that she thought was better so she went with that, as I had mentioned. Well come February she wanted more than a casual fling with this guy and he just blew her off. That's what you get when you wait five months, right?

It was a bit unexpected that he would do this though. He kept hinting at relationship type of stuff. He wanted to meet her parents, was always cutesy with her, was meeting her friends, things were quasi relationship anyway. A few things always seemed off how he progressed with her, and I kept telling her this, but she was happy so she didn't listen. They only saw each other once a month because of his "schedule" and he never tried pushing for any sort of relationship. Those two things there should raise alarms for any person. They were always in constant communication though, so I suspect that's how he kept his hold on her. After she realized he was just playing her, she gave him the boot.

I had just started dating a woman at this time. I had taken a couple months off and broke contact with any person I was talking to in the dating sense and she just came out, out of the blue. There were things about her that stood out in a bad way while we txted each other. (Let me tell you, chicks love txting to the point where it's their main form of communication.) She's one of those people who only can not spell, but she does the short hand method of txting. For example, "how r u?". That shit gets on my nerves like you wouldn't believe, but I dealt with it. I'm usually quick to write people off for one reason or another. I'm very fickle when it comes to people who I choose to let me be close to me in any capacity. I just learned to deal with it because I don't want to keep falling into the same traps, for the same women who take advantage of the fact that I'm a nice guy.

Our first date / meet was odd. She brought her cousin along because her cousin wanted to make sure there wasn't any funny business on the first date. How juvenilee is that? I dealt with that too. I normally don't make any physical moves on the first date. I want to get to know the person before hand. The number of partners I've had is small, but I need to be able to have a great deal of trust in the person fully before I share myself with them. I did get to know this woman sufficiently enough and decided I wanted to see more of her.

The next time we see each other I drive to her place. We go to lunch to get food and come back to her place. For the next 5 or 6 hours she runs me through the gauntlet of her friends and family. I sufficiently pass her tests. We were real comfortable with each other the whole time too. Cuddling / hand holding type of stuff. We kissed a few times before I left for the evening. Putting me through that seems strange, but I took it in strides. I told her I liked her and definitely wanted to continue seeing more of her at this point.

And while I'm dating this other woman Nicole keeps trash talking her. She doesn't know her, hasn't spent any time with her, hasn't even seen her at that point, but is doing everything she can to put negative thoughts about this woman I'm dating into my head. It's fairly obvious what she's doing here. Nicole has feelings for me and wants me for herself. She doesn't want to compete.

For the next week I already had a date set up with this other woman. I made it quite clear to this woman that something is going to happen. It doesn't necessarily have to be sex, but we are getting intimate. She tried playing coy with the idea but I could tell she wanted it more than I did.

For that entire week Nicole is opening up to me quite a bit. She tells me she can no longer deny how compatible we are. This is very important here. eHarmony's entire premise is based off of that. The people you're matched with are people who you are more compatible than with others if you find them to be a suitable partner. She started telling me when things happened for her in regards to me. She first really felt the spark the one night we went out drinking. I don't believe I did or said anything that was suave or to draw her in. I have no fucking clue what I did, but whatever it was, it worked for her. What cinched it for her though was New Year's Eve. I guess nothing gets a womans attention more than ramming her in the ass! I kid, the car accident probably had nothing to do with it. I think what it was, was the fact that she realized that we had a lot in common. Both of those nights I showed I could hang with her and be ok with her "shennanigans" (as she puts it) for a night if need be. She gave me the boot before and one of the reasons was because she thought I couldn't keep up with her, or at the very least I couldn't deal with it.

As soon as Nicole started showing actual interest in me I let the gates open in regards to her. I had always liked her but I was content with just being her friend. I really had no interest in trying to pursue her before that. Wanting to be more than friends with her just made sense to me. Emotions are generally not logical. The heart wants what the heart wants. There's no explaining it. Here it just hit me how she would be perfect for me. We have a lot of things in common where I don't see a reason why we could never get a long, but we are also two completely different people, night and day differences, that would keep things interesting for a very very long time. It had the formula for all the right things to have a lasting relationship with someone. That epiphany allowed me to quickly open my heart to her, to be receptive of what she wanted out of me at the time.

Two days before my date with the other woman Nicole and I start talking about what she specifically wants from me. It's clear she wants something, but I'm not sure what. I also knew going in I would be the rebound guy, but I would do it anyway. The compatibility was just too strong for me to ignore. I specifically ask her what she's looking for, just dating or an exclusive relationship. She asks me what I would be comfortable with.

Her response communicates a few things to me in one fell swoop. The first is being that she feels she would be comfortable with doing something exclusive with me. Secondly, it tells me she doesn't want to potentially scare me off. Had she said she wanted a relationship and I didn't, well, I think things wouldn't have been so peachy for her. It's really a way to protect herself. This leads to the third thing that it tells me, she would have also been ok with just dating for the time being, but probably wouldn't let me go a whole five months like she did with the last guy before looking for something more concrete.

My choice was easy. Even if I wasn't intelligent enough to have figured out what her question meant, I knew what I wanted at the start of the conversation. I told her I would be comfortable going right into an exclusive relationship. We talked about what we wanted and didn't want out of it. I had some strong reservations, but they all stemmed from being second bested by her once before. I knew being the rebound guy I get what I get, whatever happens. I clearly stated to her I would not be ok being tossed to the side again because she feels she found something better. If she had done that to me, I could never have been her friend again. Doing it when you're dating, that's whatever. It's the risk you take when you date. I also demanded some patience in the bedroom. I honestly hadn't had a partner in a long time, and the few I've had were awful.

She told me to not sweat those things and then told me what her demands were. They really weren't demands, but more of what to expect from her. It all sounded wonderful to me. I do not remember most of what was said by her, but nothing was a demand of any sort, and none of it seemed over the top or outrageous.

All the while Nicole and I were txting each other about this, I was also in communication with the other woman. She was asking for specifics about our next date. I said we were totally doing Reb Lobster for dinner then going to a club. Her response to Red Lobster was, "I'm not a high class bitch. You don't have to take me to Red Lobster. Pizza would be fine too." That was a big turn off and it just made my decision to be with Nicole that much easier.

I honestly had some feelings for this other woman. A couple days before Nicole and I had the talk I was trying to figure out what to do. Date two women at once, just have the one, what do I do? I knew I would feel bad about doing to this woman what Nicole had done to me previously. No one likes being rejected. It doesn't matter what it's for. It sucks. It's like being last. In the end, I knew I had no future with this woman. Sure, we could've had fun, and maybe we would've settled for each other, but she wasn't right for me. I had to do what was best for me and I had to do it fast before she got more invested than she already was.

I tell her I found someone to be exclusive with. It was nothing against her, it's just that this other woman (Nicole), was a considerably better fit for me than she was. She has a lot to offer someone, but I wasn't the right person for it. I wished her the best. She took it ok, at first. About an hour later she starts attacking me. I figured she had talked to her friends and they were all talking shit about me. Apparently they had convinced her I was the man whoring type and that I was just going to use her.

Hello? While I dated you I had explicitly told you I am not that guy. I think dumping you before we got intimate proves that. If I was really that type of guy I would have played both women for a little bit. I am just not that type of man. She was getting some strong feelings real fast and I could tell. I had to do what was best for her and me. I'll probably never speak to her again. I have no real reason to, but I really do wish her the best in her search. I'm hoping one day she can look back on the short time we had together and view it positively. We really did have an ejoyable time with each other.

Part 2 of the story will be in the next post!

Feburary 10th
During the Christmas holiday season STEAM had a generous offering of sales. There were a few games I had been eyeing for a while at a price point I couldn't resist, so I bought them. One of those games happened to be Universe at War: Earth Assault. This was perhaps the worst purchase I had ever made.

It starts out looking promising enough. Once you get through 3/4 of the game, you realize it has some serious and annoying faults that you would expect from an RTS 10 years ago, not an RTS in this day and age. Units would take the longest nav path possible. If I wanted them to go a shorter path, I would have to micro-manage them to do so. Units, especially hero units, would get stuck on the stupidest terrain possible. Why couldn't they have figured out they were stuck? Some units wouldn't listen to commands. I'd tell them to move left, and they would instead go right. I would tell them to stay in one spot and they'd run off trying to attack something half way across the map. In the end, I feel like someone should have paid me to play the game. It had the mechanics to be fun, but the issues I encountered were just too annoying to ignore. This is one of those games I won't bother to finish because the developers did a shit job with it.

February 9th
Seriously?

That is a news article about one of my employees. When my boss showed it to me on that day, I wasn't surprised. I wasn't shocked. All I could think about was how fucked I was going to be in the future. I am so incredibly fucked. So seriously fucked. Fucked in the poop hole.

I'm fucked because now I have more work to do myself at work. No matter how much time I put in, I won't be able to keep up with the workload and build up stock for the profit incentive program. I swear, if I get one complaining e-mail about this, I am telling that person to get their ass out there and to help out. You can't bitch if you aren't willing to do the dirty work yourself. That's how I've always operated my teams. I pitch in with my fair share of the grunt work too.

And you know what's fucked up about this? That I am so totally not surprised about that idiot getting arrested that I am more worried about the work I have to do. While he never came right out and said that he loves touching little kids and gets off on them, he has carefully skirted around the issue. There are probably numerous examples I could cite, but I don't have a milenium to do it in. The only thing that does surprise me is that other people at work were surprised, knowing he was the Wal-mart kid stalker last year. Seriously, you're surprised by this after knowing that information? The shock shouldn't even be there.

January 31st
I was recently made a salary person while not being given a pay increase. I was told I had to "prove myself" yet again if I wanted to earn more. I told them that the terms were unacceptable, but it fell on deaf ears. Per usual, I'm sucking it up.

The reason for the status change is that a new profit incentive intiative is being started and the president wanted the supervisors to put in the extra hours to try and make this go as smoothly as it possibly can. I have been putting in an extra hour or two a day since my time card has "mysteriously" disappeared.

The reason behind this profit incentive deal is that we, as a company, don't put enough effort into building up stock. Since we're in the business of remanufacturing, having that stock there is more profitable than just doing your daily orders. I believe we charge anywhere from 10% to 30% more for product if a customer wants it from stock with our rebuild exchange program. This is more profitable for the company if we were to do more orders like this.

The president of the company is calling this the "low hanging fruit". For those that don't understand the analogy, imagine going to a fruit tree. What would be easier to obtain? The fruit hanging from the bottom branches or the fruit from the top branches? Obviously the low hanging fruit would be the easiest to obtain. Without having concrete data to back up his assertions (there's data for this), he believes we're losing anywhere from $250k to $500k a year in sales. If just half of that reaches the bottom, that's a considerable more amount in profits every year. Last year could have been far better for us had put more of an investment into building up our stock. Work was slow, so there's no excuse for not doing so.

I've seen the loose collection of data. What's hard to guage about it is, even if we had the item in stock, that doesn't mean the customer likes our pricing. I look at our spreadsheet a few times a day and there are times I will see that we have more than plenty of a certain product in stock, but a customer doesn't want to buy it. Even so, this is a little rare.

So really, while it's hard to gauge an accurate number, we can still estimate a conservative figure here, and that $250k number seems very conservative indeed for the type of work we do. When I heard those numbers and started to look at the spreadsheets I blurted out, "Holy fuck, what am I doing wrong? What are we as a whole doing wrong?". This initiative officially kicks off tomorrow. If we miss a sale because it's not in finished stock and we have product on the shelf that we could have built up for it, some money is taken out of the pile that's set aside for this.

This endeavour is going to fail. Not because I'm going to sabotage it. Not because I don't want it to work. Not because I'm not doing my fair share. It's going to fail for a few reasons. The first reason being is that we just don't have the right people working for us. Out of my three people, I have one I can trust to not totally muck things up. Other areas are similar. Some employees are just there for the paycheck and no other reason. You would think that the opportunity to earn more money would excite them to the point that they want to do more than the bare minimum every day. I'm not making this assumption because money is everything, that we bow down to the almighty dollar. We haven't had raises in two years. If this works out, while we may not get our raise this year, we can at least earn more by doing more.

It's not a totally off the wall idea right? Due to inflation, we're making less money now than we had two years ago. The monkey-wrench being tossed into this is that no matter how much drive and motivation some people have, some people are so dog damn lazy that they nothing can motivate them. I've been saying for years we should get rid of these people.

The second driving reason behind why this will fail is that people near the top (not at the very top), but near the top refuse to get the equipment and supplies needed so us team leaders can do actual cross training. It's very difficult to cross train people when you have a limited amount of testing equipment, and that testing equipment is in use by other people constantly. Three times I have asked for three of my test boxes to have a simple switch put in, and one of those three, simple circuitry added, so that we're not constantly playing musical test boxes. This switch will allow different modes of operation. It should be very very simple to do. My people and I would have done it ourselves if we didn't have to go through red tape to modify the testing equipment to that extent. It really is as simple as a SPDT switch. They're not hard to find. We have a lot of them in house. It's just a matter of installing the switch, running wires, and updating the internal documentation. I asked for this six months ago... Six months!

I really want this to work. I enjoy the work I do, yet I am a little surprised that I care more now than I ever have. I've always cared more than the average person there, but because of these changes I've been closely examing myself and my employees on how to make improvements. I've been putting in the extra hours to compensate for where we're lacking and I don't feel like I'm burning out at any rate. Before this all started, I was bored with my job. I've been bored with it for months. This has rekindled my passion for it. When Sunday's come around, I'm antsy. I want to start work again.

However, something deep down inside is nagging at me. Telling me how I feel is somehow wrong. That maybe I shouldn't work so hard all the time. I think it's a rare thing to find work that you enjoy doing. Most people go through their lives not caring one way or another about their work. I'm a bit conflicted here, but hopefully this internal struggle keeps me in check, to make sure that I am trying harder, but not to the point of exhausting myself into uselessness.

January 11th
I would like to take a brief moment to revert back to woman number 2 in my previous post. It's just an incredibly antiquated notion these days that religion, especially Christianity in some form where the teachings of Jesus tries to break down the barriers between people, is being used as a barrier. If we can't be bothered to get past the notion of differences like this, differences for potential happiness, what good is this religion for us as a species?

I've grown to the point in my life where I no longer care what a person believes. Some people can say that I've given up the "good fight" for the loose collection of people that refer to themselves as Atheists. Fine. I can't let this define who I am as a person. I can't let any one thing do that. Yes, it makes up a part of who I am. Yes, I still will try to correct people when they spout off misconceptions. I otherwise just no longer care enough to allow it to engulf my life. I feel I've done enough to expand my knowledge on the issue of religion. I don't know everything, nor do I care to. I've digested all I've needed to for the foreseeable future.

I am content.

And this is where I was thrown off by this. I made this same point to her. It might not have been so eloquently put, but the point was clear. It didn't seem to bother her. In fact, she seemed to be a little relieved that I was so lax about this issue, with her being the take what you want from each religion type of person. The topic was never brought up again. I had assumed we moved past it, that it was not a point of contention. And honestly, this is what I expect from every single adult. You and I may not share the same views on religion, but I hope we're both sagacious enough for there to be mutual respect and understanding.

I damaged my poor car on New Year's Eve. I was following Nicole to one of her friends house. It had been raining sheets of ice on and off all day, but the main roads were fine. While her car wasn't exactly %100 packed to the brim, she really didn't have room in it. I love driving my car, so what the fuck, I didn't mind. I had told her that my vehicle, being rear wheel drive, did not handle well on snow and ice. This meant to take it slower.

Instead of her normally driving a gajillion miles an hour the entire time, she clocked it down some. Things were fine until we had to turn off onto the path less traveled. There's some grand metaphor that people enjoy using, saying how it's great to use the path less traveled.

Fuck You

This path was not great, and my life isn't more rich for experiencing it. The turning lane was covered in snow. Covered. I went to brake. I pumped those mother fuckers like there was no tomorrow. All I did was skid. I had a split second to choose her bumper, or the curb there to skid into. I chose the curb. No way in hell do I want to hit another person. Too bad I clipped her and the curb anyway.

I didn't let it ruin my evening though. Besides, we both agreed, that's what insurance is for. I drank half a bottle of Vodka that night, and damn did I feel good. I had fun though. I also rocked her face off on playing guitar hero, and it was clearly my first time, and clearly not hers. The next morning wasn't fun. Trying to find a tow back to my neck of woods was nigh impossible. I ended up using my dads AAA membership for that. The insurance agent that inspected my baby said the damages came out to around $4k. Yes, that is indeed what insurance is for.

January 10th
Holy fucking shit! What else did you expect me to start off with? A "Howdy doody"? How about some apathetic apology about not updating more? Seems a bit trite doesn't it?

I always want to update, but other things just seem more interesting at the moment.

I realize the last time I updated was... October or some such, but I want to back track just a little bit. Like, shortly after the cruise time? So Really late August, early September.

Cue wavy lines and whatever noise that floats your boat for flashback sequences.

I had gotten home from the great nation of Tennessee. Where everything is ya'll and what have you. After dealing with bitchy Melissa, I decided I was tired of being alone. Oh so very alone. I miss companionship. Greatly missed it. I yearned, desired, for something. Having that someone special by your side is an amazing thing. I had been mostly out of the dating game since my previous relationship. I also knew I was never very good at approaching strange women whom I've never met before. To say the least, my skills were a bit rusty.

I saw an ad on TV for eHarmony and decided to give it a shot. I was still rolling in money at the time, so I paid out for a full year. A full year! In retrospect, perhaps not the greatest idea. In any case, for a whole year I'm up. Here I am doing the whole Internet dating thing. It took about two months before anything solid came out of it. After that point I had met some people, but I will talk about the "important" ones here.

Chicky number one (her name is Nicole), besides her sometimes seemingly excessive drinking habits, I really have nothing bad to say about this woman. She's just a really awesome chick. We went through the process on the site, texted each other a bit, and then went on a date. I really enjoyed the first date we had. Afterwards I was kicking myself in the pants for not seizing an opportunity to see more of her. We had gone out for drinks first, then a movie. After the movie I could have probably taken her to another bar or something. I felt like we had really connected. I wasn't entirely sure it was a romantic connection, but there was something there. I enjoyed the conversation we had during drinks and I wanted to have more of that experience with the conversation. It was a really enjoyable time and I hadn't had that in so long.

As I stated a few sentences before, awesome gal, and I still feel that way. Nothing bad to say about her, but it just probably wasn't going to work out. We went out for coffee a week later, chatted for a couple hours. Again, it was a pleasant time. I didn't feel the initial click that I felt on the first date, and I could tell she didn't either. About a week later she tells me she just wants to be friends.

Now normally when someone gives you that line, it is complete and utter bullshit. I was a little hurt. No one likes being rejected for any reason. She was dating other men too at the time and cut all but one loose. The winner, I am not. I mulled for a few seconds on her proposal to be just friends. It was one of those times where even though every time it's been bullshit and the instant reaction is to claim more bullshit, this wasn't the case. We clicked, but as friends.

It's kind of weird for me. I have never had so much in common with an attractive member of the opposite sex and actually be ok with just being friends. You can't force chemistry. I don't even know if I'd sleep with her if we had both gotten into a drunken stupor and lost sense of ourselves. There's nothing that says that we couldn't potentially work out as a couple, or whatever, but the interest on my end really isn't there. I'm fairly certain I'm not gay. I did watch some porn this morning with a chick doing it herself and got off on it. Like I said, it's weird, but I'm not in the least bit bothered by any of it. I think in some ways it's a bit refreshing. I can flirt with her, and it's all actually completely harmless. I can treat her as a friend and do that to 100% of the way. And that's what I do. We even hang out sometimes. She actually meant the friends thing.

No one joins a dating anything to make friends, but at least my first experience wasn't an unpleasant one!

My second meet was slightly more successful. Our first meet turned into a date. A bit unexpected, but it was awesome none the less. We met at Starbucks for coffee. Lost track of time chatting, and went to Red Robin for some food, where we continued to lose track of time again. I enjoyed every second of our conversation.

Second date comes around. Once again, a fun time. She had inquired about my religious beliefs. Yes, I'm a big flaming Atheist, or whatever. She's an "ala carte" religious person that's mostly catholic, but has a bit of everything else thrown in there too. She seemed ok with it. Religion is a very big deal to a lot of people. I personally don't sweat it. It's not an issue to me. Not anymore. I've moved beyond that. I just don't care anymore. We had great fun the entire time.

Third date comes, once again, a great time. The two weeks inbetween in our next date, I dunno, I just feel like she's pulling back some. I have a sense about this. Something feels... off. It's time for the fourth date. I want to progress things a little. I'm not looking to sleep with her, but I would like to get more than just a peck on the lips at the end of the night. I buy a bottle of wine and we head off to get some Sushi. That part of the evening was great. I had nothing bad to say about how it went. We go back to her apartment to drink some more wine and watch a movie. This is the part where things are supposed to get better, right? I should be getting to second base at least, maybe third, and if I was really lucky, I was being waved into home. That's how situations like that normally go, right?

Normally for most people. I seem to have bad luck. Her body language was completely different. Not only did she sit away from me on the couch, she was leaning away from me. I knew things were over at that moment. I always know when things are over, but I'm an optimist in this area and try to keep things going. About a week later I get dumped. When I ask her for a reason, wanting to know what turned her off, she stated, "I don't know how you can't believe in god, but that's my problem, not yours". And that's the last I heard from her. Couldn't she have done this before the wine and sushi dinner?

I was flabbergasted a bit. There was zero signs, even minor ones, that said that religion was going to be a problem. Seems like a cop out to me. Being dumped for whatever reason sucks. If it was something I did or said I wanted the chance to correct it. Now, I just don't know. In any case, whatever it was, I guess I wasn't meant to be. It's a shame too. I had really liked her and started to get a little emotionally invested. We seemed like a good fit for each other.

Hopefully I'll have better luck with the next one, whenever that happens.