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Wired News
May 9th
Ever since I was briefly engaged, I've been job hunting. I periodically go on a spree where I've been clearly unsuccessful. Some of the places I've applied too are still hiring for the same position... 7 months later. I imagine if you want an individual with an MBA to work as a manager for $50k a year, you may be hard pressed to find a canidate that you feel is qualified. Now I am of the personal opinion that you don't need a degree to be in a leadership role as long as you can do your job.
My background is in electronics and it primarilty consists of component level troubleshooting. I also have 5.5 years of supervisory experience. I also have 7 years of experience in a manufacturing enviornment. I have a 2 year degree. Everyone above me where I work tell me I'm pretty much irreplacable. I've been trying to jump the bridge from supervisor to management positions. I haven't been strictly looking for those positions either. It seems not having a 4 year degree is becoming a huge hindrance. I have had people tell me that they do not care how much experience I have, they want someone with a 4 year degree. Some of the positions want a minimum of 1 year of experience, or even no experience, and this is for supervisory and management positions.
I kind of tire of hearing how employeers are always complaining that there are no qualfied individuals out there. I'm not saying I'm the most qualified person for every job I've applied for. I'm not saying I would necessarily be the best fit for the job. What I am saying is that if you're still looking to fill that position after 3 months of searching, something is wrong on your end. Perhaps it's the pay rate, or maybe it could be your expectations for qualifications. Either way, something is wrong and you should address it.
On another note, if you ever use that email address that's at the bottom of each page, don't ever expect a timely response. I check that email about once a year, if that.
May 7th
Life is a god damn roller coaster. You have your ups, downs, things that throw you for a loop. No matter how much planning you do, nothing can prepare you for what happens and how you react to it all.
The biggest thing that's probably happened since my last update was that I was engaged to Melissa. When I reflect back I sometimes think it all had to be a dream on how it happened. It all seems so strange to me. In the middle of October last year her and her sister came up for a visit to see one of her friends get married. After the reception they called me up and I took them out to a bar. Things seemed to have generally been going ok. At this point in my life I had been keeping my distance and doing my own thing; I was purposely not keeping in touch with her too much. There was no tension there.
At some point in the evening when her sister hits the bathroom she asks me what I'd do if she asked me to move down to Tennessee to live with her and be with her. I suddenly feel like I've been smash by a brick wall. I tense up and freeze. All of the work I had been doing over the past year to remove the feelings I've had towards slam into me like a wave against the rocks. How do I react? What do I do? Forget about doing! What do I say? I could tell she was being serious.
Play it cool. You've been hurt by her too many times before. Just play it cool. I calmly reply that I'd consider it. At that point for the rest of the night she's all over me. She can't keep her hands off of me. I'm mostly playing it cool the whole time, not completely giving into her yet. By the time we get back to her hotel room her sister is passed out drunk. She's been trying to make out with me the whole night and I finally give in. I want things to progress. I'm in her bed. I'd have gone after her sister had these events not transpired and I would have of course made sure her sister didn't drink to the point of passing out. In any case I try to make things happen but she wants no part of it.
Imagine my shock and confusion. Melissa keeps claiming that she doesn't want to with her sister in the room. I tell her I will go get us a room right now. Hell we can drive back to my place. It's not that far. Oh no, she doesn't want to. She eventually falls asleep from her hours of drinking and I'm left there needing some release. I think I end up sleeping for about three hours that night. The next day she's acting as if we're boyfriend and girlfriend at that point. I'm ok with this. I've wanted to be with her for so many years and now it's happening. Things just seem different between us now. My guard is completely down in regards to her.
Over the next couple of weeks we talk on the phone quite a bit. I learn some shocking things about her and they really explain 90% of why she's acted the way she has over the years. I've been vigorously looking for jobs in the Nashville area so I can move down there. She also asks for an engagement ring. Hell no. It's not that I don't want to marry her, I just don't want to spend thousands of dollars on a ring when we need to spend more time with each other to make sure this is the right decision. I am giving up everything just to be with her. This needs to work. She then asks for a promise ring. It's honestly no different from her earlier request but I can then at least get a little creative and looking for something that be really creative and it would only cost me a few hundred dollars. (I don't like buying fake jewelery.)
I don't have a picture of it, but I feel like I did a great job picking something out. I picked out our birthstones for the stones to be set in it. My stone was placed in a heart, and hers in another. The top part of the hearts were facing each other. I thought it was very symbolic of the history we've had together. We have been always butting our heads together in some sort of struggle, but in the end we love each other and have come together. It just really fits for the situation.
We plan out a time for me to come and visit. I thought the first night went extremely well. We finally, finally end up having sex. It wasn't great, but it wasn't bad. Having ok sex is far superrior to having no sex. I end up giving her the ring the next morning. She seems a little indifferent to it. I can tell everything is turning to shit at this point. She was her usual past self towards me. When we finally talk about it she tells me she doesn't love me and how I've made her miserable the entire time I've been there so far. Fucking great. I have spent hundreds of dollars on her this year, made efforts to see her, was willing to sacrifice everything I've had to be with her and this is what I get.
That is some seriously fucked up shit. You don't do that to a person. It is incredibly devastating. I start hyperventillating and as I suddenly see everything around me being torn away. As I'm hyperventillating she just keeps going on and on. Stabbing someone is painful, twisting the dagger around in the wound makes things worse. Here is a list of things that was bothering her:
I'm going to address these points individually. First and foremost, me acting like I had moved in. This was part of the idea of me visiting. If we're going to be in a relationship and I'm going to live with her, wouldn't it make sense for me to act like I live there? How else can either of us gauge whether or not that we can cohabitate? This is going to be my place too.
Point the second: She made no effort for me to put anything anywhere. When you have guests staying over for an extended visit they will be bringing items like shampoo, soap, razors, etc... They will have a piece of luggage or two and will accumulate some dirty laundry. One would think that she would have made some space here for me for these purposes. I do take a little responsibility for not being proactive enough to ask first. As a guest, that is a little rude, but it's not as if she didn't have time to prepare for my visit. We planned this out!
San (Point 3): I completely understand why she was upset about this. Her sister had just recently been through a divorce and was clinging to her quite a bit. Her sister gave up a lot for her husband and at that point really didn't have much in the way of friends. Her sister was always butting in her life and didn't want her knowing everything. I am friends with her sister too, however. I have a hard time sometimes censoring information between friends. I usually don't consider their relation towards other people. I see where I went wrong here. No matter how many times I would apologize for this, I would keep making this same mistake. Not to the same extent each time, but it would happen. You have friends for a reason...
I think what really upset her with this one was that Melissa made it a point to ask me if I had brought the ring the first night there. I told this to her sister. It was more of a, "can you believe I was asked this question" statement I had made.
The last issue is perhaps the most ridiculous point. She claims that I don't know her that well because I had bought her a coke instead of a diet coke. At the time, when i was buying a drink at the gas station, I asked her what she wanted. She said coke. I said, "are you sure?" I asked that question because I knew she preferred the taste of diet coke over real coke. She claims to have corrected me, but she never did. So I buy her a fucking coke and it's the end of the world.
These were the most prominent issues. Those put together, I was making her miserable and that made her decide she didn't love me anymore. I'm not saying I didn't make any mistakes, but not matter how afraid you are of a situation like that, when you want something to work you will make it work. You won't look for excuses to be miserable.
The rest of the week was a long fucking week. I talked very little to her. I didn't ignore her and I wasn't rude, I was just a broken husk trying to keep up appearances. I had a very long layover at one airport so that alone time gave me the necessary guy time to think about things. When I got home I knew what I needed to do. I had to end things.
The resulting fallout from that is that her nor her sister talk to me anymore. I guess I'm the bad guy. I had to do what was best for me in this situation. I would have been incredibly miserable if I decided to stay with Melissa. It took me about a week or two to get over it. I finally had the closure I needed for the entire experience. Melissa on the other hand months later told me she didn't want me to contact her anymore because every time I would try to talk to her (which was not often), it would bring up bad memories and make her upset (as far as I knew she was still wearing my ring at that time too according to her sister).
I left out a lot of fine details that would really paint this picture vividly. Reflecting upon the story, I'd be lying if it didn't make me a little sad. Can you imagine having the one thing you always wanted and then losing it? I have no intention of ever trying to get back together with her and I will respect her wish for me to never contact her again. She emotionally invested herself in this more than she ever wanted to let on. I'm sorry things ended the way they have, but I regret nothing.